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snick_backupTitle: Balm
Characters: Spike, Buffy, Spike-baby
Words: 850
A/N: That's right, a bit of Seraphverse fic!![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ruuger made me this lovely icon, which seemed excuse enough to polish up this snippet set late S5 in the Seraphverse.
~~~~~
A week or so after the funeral, Spike sat in his scrounged armchair cradling Cora when Buffy came creeping down the stairs. She walked as cautiously as if one misstep might call up some monster even she didn’t care to fight, and she sat silently at the edge of his bed, expression stiff and eyes blank.
Whatever words he might have said stuck in his throat, as they all seemed to these days. Probably they were worthless anyway. More than once recently he’d envied Tara her lost mother. Tara didn’t need words to understand nor be understood; there was a kinship there that he felt his mother’s death forever barring him from.
“Can I hold her?”
He glanced up at Buffy, startled. Her eyes were actually on his face and more focused than he’d seen in days. She looked as though she thought he’d say no, as if denial was to be expected of life even in this small thing.
When he held Cora out to her, she came and took her and sat again on the bed, still after all this time a bit awkward with her, but careful. Buffy slipped her fingers through Cora’s curls, a few strands at a time. It was a temptation no one seemed able to withstand; certainly Spike never could.
There was something comforting about babies, it seemed. At least, people kept wanting to borrow his. He’d pick her up from her nap and Dawn would be at his elbow, stony-faced yet insistent on changing the nappy and warming the soggy dinner. Whenever Anya was over lately, Cora could barely be pried from her arms.
Maybe it was Cora’s contented incomprehension that balmed the soul, the skies of her moods all unclouded by grief - hunger and discontent being entirely separate matters. Or maybe it was just that her very presence demanded that life carry on.
“She seems happy,” Buffy said, barely audible.
“Clean linens, full belly, adoring public – not a lot more a person wants out of life, is there? At that age, I mean,” he added hastily as he looked again at Buffy’s pale face.
He was no good at this grieving business, not when it meant sidling ghostlike through the house and saying everything in whispers. As bad as when his father died, almost, and he just a little nipper all the lonelier for being the only person in the whole house who cried aloud. Indecorous, his Aunt Georgina said.
He really ought to thank the witches for taking Cora so he could go on that bender. Cleansing, he’d found. Sooner or later, all the ache washed out with the hangover.
But it didn’t seem Buffy was even listening, whatever he said. She kept sliding her fingers through Cora’s hair while her own draped her bowed head. It was why Spike didn’t realize Buffy was crying until he smelled the tears.
It came to him, distantly, that he’d caused just such pain as this thousands of times over. He shoved the thought viciously away.
He waited for the tears to dry and Buffy to look up, mask fixed in place again, but eventually her breath began to come in near-silent gasps and her shoulders began to shake with it. Just watching her brought on a horrible ache behind his sternum.
Do something, you berk.
Maybe she wants to be let alone.
She’s here, isn’t she?
If only to still his own thoughts, he got up and sat gingerly next to Buffy, watching for some sign he was unwanted. But Buffy was crying openly now, raining tears on Cora’s sleeping face and paying him no attention at all. He let a hand fall on her shoulder and waited for her to stiffen and pull away: strong certain Slayer.
Instead, she leaned just slightly into his touch. That felt like reason enough to leave his hand where it was.
They sat that way a long time. Cora kept on sleeping. Finally, Buffy’s sniffling got the best of Spike and he went to find a tissue.
“Thanks,” she said, taking it. Whispering, she added, “I miss her so much.”
Spike nodded, though Buffy wasn’t looking at him. “Yeah.”
“I don’t know what to do now,” said she of the lifelong destiny, the sister to feed, the classes to finish, the job to find, the dishes to wash.
“Know what you mean,” he said. “Plenty to do. It’s the guiding principle that’s lacking.”
“Yeah.”
“Your mum was my guide, like. Was helping me sort this parent thing. I don’t know how, you know,” he confessed in a rush.
“I kind of figured,” she said, glancing up at him with a glimmer of humor. “Looks like you’re doing okay, though.”
“Yeah?” As she nodded, he fought down a grin of pleasure. Suddenly self-conscious, his hands awkwardly empty, he said, “I can take her, if you like.”
Buffy looked up then, eyes reddened but clear. “Could I keep her? Just for a little bit?”
And what could he do but nod, and sit beside her again, and watch a grieving vampire slayer as she watched his daughter sleep.
Finis
Characters: Spike, Buffy, Spike-baby
Words: 850
A/N: That's right, a bit of Seraphverse fic!
ruuger made me this lovely icon, which seemed excuse enough to polish up this snippet set late S5 in the Seraphverse.~~~~~
A week or so after the funeral, Spike sat in his scrounged armchair cradling Cora when Buffy came creeping down the stairs. She walked as cautiously as if one misstep might call up some monster even she didn’t care to fight, and she sat silently at the edge of his bed, expression stiff and eyes blank.
Whatever words he might have said stuck in his throat, as they all seemed to these days. Probably they were worthless anyway. More than once recently he’d envied Tara her lost mother. Tara didn’t need words to understand nor be understood; there was a kinship there that he felt his mother’s death forever barring him from.
“Can I hold her?”
He glanced up at Buffy, startled. Her eyes were actually on his face and more focused than he’d seen in days. She looked as though she thought he’d say no, as if denial was to be expected of life even in this small thing.
When he held Cora out to her, she came and took her and sat again on the bed, still after all this time a bit awkward with her, but careful. Buffy slipped her fingers through Cora’s curls, a few strands at a time. It was a temptation no one seemed able to withstand; certainly Spike never could.
There was something comforting about babies, it seemed. At least, people kept wanting to borrow his. He’d pick her up from her nap and Dawn would be at his elbow, stony-faced yet insistent on changing the nappy and warming the soggy dinner. Whenever Anya was over lately, Cora could barely be pried from her arms.
Maybe it was Cora’s contented incomprehension that balmed the soul, the skies of her moods all unclouded by grief - hunger and discontent being entirely separate matters. Or maybe it was just that her very presence demanded that life carry on.
“She seems happy,” Buffy said, barely audible.
“Clean linens, full belly, adoring public – not a lot more a person wants out of life, is there? At that age, I mean,” he added hastily as he looked again at Buffy’s pale face.
He was no good at this grieving business, not when it meant sidling ghostlike through the house and saying everything in whispers. As bad as when his father died, almost, and he just a little nipper all the lonelier for being the only person in the whole house who cried aloud. Indecorous, his Aunt Georgina said.
He really ought to thank the witches for taking Cora so he could go on that bender. Cleansing, he’d found. Sooner or later, all the ache washed out with the hangover.
But it didn’t seem Buffy was even listening, whatever he said. She kept sliding her fingers through Cora’s hair while her own draped her bowed head. It was why Spike didn’t realize Buffy was crying until he smelled the tears.
It came to him, distantly, that he’d caused just such pain as this thousands of times over. He shoved the thought viciously away.
He waited for the tears to dry and Buffy to look up, mask fixed in place again, but eventually her breath began to come in near-silent gasps and her shoulders began to shake with it. Just watching her brought on a horrible ache behind his sternum.
Do something, you berk.
Maybe she wants to be let alone.
She’s here, isn’t she?
If only to still his own thoughts, he got up and sat gingerly next to Buffy, watching for some sign he was unwanted. But Buffy was crying openly now, raining tears on Cora’s sleeping face and paying him no attention at all. He let a hand fall on her shoulder and waited for her to stiffen and pull away: strong certain Slayer.
Instead, she leaned just slightly into his touch. That felt like reason enough to leave his hand where it was.
They sat that way a long time. Cora kept on sleeping. Finally, Buffy’s sniffling got the best of Spike and he went to find a tissue.
“Thanks,” she said, taking it. Whispering, she added, “I miss her so much.”
Spike nodded, though Buffy wasn’t looking at him. “Yeah.”
“I don’t know what to do now,” said she of the lifelong destiny, the sister to feed, the classes to finish, the job to find, the dishes to wash.
“Know what you mean,” he said. “Plenty to do. It’s the guiding principle that’s lacking.”
“Yeah.”
“Your mum was my guide, like. Was helping me sort this parent thing. I don’t know how, you know,” he confessed in a rush.
“I kind of figured,” she said, glancing up at him with a glimmer of humor. “Looks like you’re doing okay, though.”
“Yeah?” As she nodded, he fought down a grin of pleasure. Suddenly self-conscious, his hands awkwardly empty, he said, “I can take her, if you like.”
Buffy looked up then, eyes reddened but clear. “Could I keep her? Just for a little bit?”
And what could he do but nod, and sit beside her again, and watch a grieving vampire slayer as she watched his daughter sleep.
Finis
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-03-10 03:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-11 01:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-10 03:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-11 01:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-10 04:00 am (UTC)There are a lot of lovely things that fanfic gives me, but very rarely do I get Buffy and Spike friendship fic. This is so tentative, but lovely, their interactions just perfect, and the way everyone's clinging to Spike's baby like clinging to life just shatters my heart.
♥
no subject
Date: 2011-03-11 01:35 am (UTC)It's the truth. And you know, I never sit down in this 'verse with the thought, "I'm going to write some Spike-and-Buffy friendship fic now," especially since down the road - in another year or two, maybe - I expect them to end up together. But neither I nor they are in any hurry, so for now: friendship.
Thank you for the lovely comment. You know they always make me smile. :)
no subject
Date: 2011-03-10 05:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-11 01:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-10 06:31 am (UTC)I think Buffy, of all of them, would most need the illusion of normalcy, that sure knowledge that life goes on even in the face of dreadful loss. She may never truly have normal, but she has to know that her sacrifices mean something.
Beautiful and heartbreaking.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-11 01:46 am (UTC)Thank you. :)
no subject
Date: 2011-03-10 09:11 am (UTC)This is beautiful and very insightful. The whole fic is poignant and lovely.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-10 11:02 am (UTC)I can almost feel her warm silky hair under my fingers.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-10 12:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-11 01:47 am (UTC)Thank you for the lovely comment. :)
no subject
Date: 2011-03-10 02:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-11 01:49 am (UTC)And not to worry, I've been shipping them for quite a while now, and I had folks reading Seraph who shipped them even before I did. I figure they'll get there eventually, but neither they nor I are in much of a hurry.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-10 06:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-11 01:51 am (UTC)I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)
no subject
Date: 2011-03-10 06:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-11 01:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-24 04:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-24 04:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-07 11:46 pm (UTC)I was kinda hoping Spike would sniff out the badness or something. But I know stuff happens and this still, well it happened and its to be dealt with not wished away.
Well done, very well done.
no subject
Date: 2011-04-08 12:18 am (UTC)I'm glad you enjoyed this bit, sad as it was.
ETA: Incidentally, I am curious: how did you find me?
no subject
Date: 2011-04-08 10:15 am (UTC)Loved it, btw. Also liked the drabble you wrote that feels like a prequel to it.
Would absolutely LOVE to read the next 8 months in this series! Well, I'm 17 weeks pregnant myself ;) so I have to admit I've been hunting out kid!fic. This is THE BEST mpreg I have ever read though, including some fabulous SGA mpreg stories that I thought were the best of the bunch. Like I said in an earlier comment (and sorry to spam your inbox last night) but I adore your season 4 characters. Everyone - Dawn, Buffy, Xander, Anya; everyone was awesome and flawed.
I love how you gave some hints to Spike/Buffy but never actually went there. I adored Xander and Anya.
And I love love love Joyce. She's just so wonderful, and its so damned hard and sad and LIFE when they lose her. But I'm with you, it had to happen, it did happen, and it needs to be dealt with.
I just hope Spike being there makes things better :)
Oh, are you signed up at A03? They just got their subscription thing working, and I would love to sign up to follow you. That way in 2 years if you ever write it I'll get an email and have a squee day :D
Thanks again for this fic! You totally made my night
no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 11:15 pm (UTC)Gotcha. Thanks! I'm always curious to know where people come from. :)
Well, I'm 17 weeks pregnant myself
Aw, congratulations! I'm especially glad to hear you liked Seraph considering you have, ah, experience in this area. *g* I've never had kids, so while I did a lot of research, it's not the same as speaking from experience. I'm thrilled to know it rang true.
I love how you gave some hints to Spike/Buffy but never actually went there.
Heh. I totally wasn't planning to ship them in the fic when I started, but my mind was definitely headed in that direction by the time I was done.
Speaking of Spuffy and babies, I've also got an ongoing series of post-canon, post-apocalyptic Spuffy mpreg snippets. It's, ah, a wee bit self-indulgent; it's me writing all the bits I want to write and none of the bits I don't.
Thank you again for all the lovely comments and also for the wonderful rec. :)
no subject
Date: 2011-11-28 10:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-30 02:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-11-01 05:58 am (UTC)She looked as though she thought he’d say no, as if denial was to be expected of life even in this small thing.
Oh, Buffy. Poor lamb.
He’d pick her up from her nap and Dawn would be at his elbow, stony-faced yet insistent on changing the nappy and warming the soggy dinner.
You'd really think he'd appreciate that, at least the first part.
And Spike was much closer to Joyce in this universe than in canon... she became his guide, as well. So for all he thinks that his mother's death is different... and it is... he really can relate.
I don't know if this Spike is in love with Buffy, but she's wormed her way into his heart, just like her sister and her mum.
no subject
Date: 2012-11-08 01:23 am (UTC)I don't know if this Spike is in love with Buffy, but she's wormed her way into his heart, just like her sister and her mum.
Yep. I can see them probably getting there, someday. It'd just be with a fairly different dynamic and balance of power than we got in canon. Spike has other things to humanize him, now, besides just Buffy. :)